During that time, I fell in love with someone online and they (again, for safety measures, I cannot specify) helped me to recover mentally. For the first time since in ten years *I smiled*... I hadn't smiled for ten years prior meeting this other *kafir* ten years... most of my childhood and teenage years I didn't smile from how psychologically broken I was. We kept the relationship secret, because my father was getting crazier with him calling my ADHD diagnosis from a licensed professional bullshit. Two years later, my dad finally figured out that things were getting too dangerous in Syria and decided that it was time to finally go back to the western country. The Muslim community there is toxic... I'd get chased by men asking me if I am single and men telling me they're looking for a wife, and I'd have to suffer the humiliation of listening to Muslims there, and my parents, say that the LGBT people should be killed or forced to be 'straight'... My father told me that I'm only to marry a Syrian Muslim *or else*......
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In the end the starved bones of the hoped-for deer herd, dead of its own too-much, bleach with the bones of the dead sage, or molder under the high-lined junipers. I now suspect that just as a deer herd lives in mortal fear of its wolves, so does a mountain live in mortal fear of its deer. And perhaps with better cause, for while a buck pulled down by wolves can be replaced in two or three years, a range pulled down by too many deer may fail of replacement in as many decades. So also with cows. The cowman who cleans his range of wolves does not realize that he is taking over the wolf's job of trimming the herd to fit the range. He has not learned to think like a mountain. Hence we have dustbowls, and rivers washing the future into the sea.
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